Two days since I posted something of a diatribe about my inability to sleep well (or at all sometimes). I wish I could say things are better, but well, at least they aren’t any worse.
Last night I didn’t sleep much because the cold we’re fighting here was beating on the Boodle and the coughing keep waking him (and I) up. Not Dan… My husband seems capable of sleeping through anything.
I know who’s going to survive the zombie apocalypse in this house! 😀
Anyway, it’s been two days, and now here we are at Wednesday. Know what that means? It’s regular feature time… time for a ROW80 Check-in and a WIPpet.
What to do first, what to do first…
Well, the WIPpet, of course!
These past few weeks I’ve done my WIPpets in serial form so that each week followed directly on the prior week’s post. I’m doing the same thing this week, but next week I will be jumping ahead in this (not really called an) Unnamed Story to leave out the “naughty bits”. Or at least the more explicit bits than I’ve already posted….
Today’s excerpt is eight (mostly short) paragraphs. The maths are: 5, 2, 8, 2, 1, 4 ⇒ 5, 2, 8, 2, 1+4=5 8
She stood waiting for him to make the next move, though what that should be he had no clue. Anticipation fulled her posture as she stood there.
He demurred answering as he regained a place on the bed. As pleasurable as he sometimes found making love while standing, they were both tired. He felt exhausted.
And yet he wanted another taste of the sensuality that she’d shown him. He laid down, then waggled a finger to her, signaling that she should join him.
She slunk over. “Yes?” Her voice took on that nerve-wracking purr she used when she wanted something difficult, the purr that no man he’d met could ever resist.
He couldn’t stop the sigh that escaped him. His gaze followed the line of her shoulder and neck, coming to rest on her face, even as his fingers touched her waist and began running up her side to the curve of her breast, then over her shoulder to her chin. Drawing her down to kiss, he whispered, “Name it, Atyr. What do you want of me? Name it. It’s yours.”
She blinked and eased back. “Mm? What do you mean by that, ‘Listii? I want nothing more than you do right now.”
He couldn’t stop the smile that pressed forth any more than the sigh. “And that would be, little Atyr?” He brushed her lips with his once more. “Beautiful Mouse?”
If anyone does wish to read the missing section, please contact me directly regarding the piece at mouse (at) sff (dot) net. Fair warning… I’d really like a critique on the piece, as in do you find the piece “over the top”, “believable”, etc. I wrote this scene after reading and trying a few exercises from Susie Bright’s How to Write a Dirty Story (amazon link, but I get nothing for posting). It would be great to know if I made it work.
K.L. Schwengel at My Random Muse, fearlessly leads the #WIPpet where writers post pieces of a draft (Work In Progress) that somehow relate with the date for fun and discussion. Feel free to comment and visit other #WIPpeteers here. We love the company.
And now a short and sweet…
I wrote some new words yesterday. Yeah, this is a big deal to me. They weren’t just me trying to force words to the page; these words flowed. I didn’t get my ROW80 sponsor duties done. In fact, most any blogging or checking-in I need to get done, I’m saving for Thursday afternoon. Sorry. Just finishing up the chaos that is May.
I have to say though, I’m really glad I continued with the Round of Words in 80 Days challenge this session. The nudge, gentle and yet as imminent as it has been, has kept the slow days from piling up. I’m learning how to honor my process and my needs (so that process works best) through steady participation in the ROW80. It’s truly become the Challenge That Knows You Have a Life for me… though it’s taken a while for me to understand that.
Has it been that for you? Have you gotten discouraged with the challenge only to leave, then return? What motivated you to join in? What stopped you? Inquiring minds (I almost wrote “inquiring Mimes” there… how’s that for a Freudian slip?) want to know!
PS: if anyone here reads erotica and would be willing to offer a critique on a piece of a sex scene, please read the WIPpet and contact me via email. I’d appreciate any and all help.
Great excerpt Eden. Subtle, yet passionate. 🙂
Thanks. I tried to keep it within the realms of good taste.
And you most certainly succeeded!!
I like his terms of endearment. Very sweet, but also quite steamy in context.
I wasn’t sure what this phrase meant: “Anticipation fulled her posture.”
Thanks, Amy. It’s odd, but… while I saw the terms of endearment as necessary, I didn’t see them as sweet. If anything, I saw them as a warning sign… a sign that ‘Listii was going to regret this evening in the morning. But… yeah, he really does feel this way about Atyr. An yes, he would do anything for her…at least almost anything.
Typo: ReGi caught it too. It was supposed to be ‘filled’.
I got that misspell as fueled not filled – fueled giving it a great deal of combustion I thought it an excellent word to use – not sure I like filled as much – just a personal thing:)
They both have promise. Will definitely have to consider both. Thanks, Alberta.
Nicely done! Very tasteful. 🙂 There’s one typo where you have “fulled” instead of filled (or maybe fueled?).
i got to see Sixpence None the Richer in concert way back before everyone knew who they were. 🙂
Glad you enjoyed it, ReGi. And thanks for catching that typo. Yes, I meant ‘filled’. (Though ‘fueled’ does have merit!)
As I told Alana…. SO jealous! 😀
Eden! Steamy scene here. Well done. I’m a little shy when it comes to sex scenes, and probably couldn’t offer much help. But you’re a wonderful writer so I’m sure you rocked it! 🙂
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chloe. I get what you mean about being a bit shy with sex scenes. Beyond high school silliness, I avoided it for years. I’m not sure what finally convinced me to try writing erotica… I think it was my husband and a discussion we had about a discussion I’d read in one of the newsgroups at SFF.net. A lot of science fiction and fantasy writers I respect suggested learning how to write a sex scene, even if the plan is to never publish it, because learning how to describe what is (effectively) a rather funny physical act so that it comes off as human, intense, passionate, and even lovely is a serious test of a writer’s skill.
Personally, I think trying to describe a water polo game would work just as well. 😉
Eden! I never really thought about love scenes helping me grow as a writer. But that makes sense. Great perspective. 🙂
I don’t think it has to be a sex scene… any human act that involves a lot of emotional baggage though would be fair play. I just haven’t thought of many things people do that carry such a level of human restriction and obsession as sex does.
But the point would be to give a realism to something like this and help it come through as human without being overdone or silly (well, silly in a way that adds to the story would be okay… but I think Benny Hill level sexuality would be hard to enjoy in most novels).
Nice scene, Eden! One little tiny thing that threw me out, and I’m not quite sure why: “slunk” — somehow the word didn’t feel to me like it fit the erotic mood, you know?
Congrats on the progress you’ve made. For my own part, I really enjoy ROW80 as a way to stay on track, at least somewhat. 🙂 I don’t post as often as I did when I first joined, because I find writing too many blog posts and responding to others saps a lot of my writing energy, but I like the way it makes me accountable, while also allowing me to less than perfect.
Hmm, I see what you mean about ‘slunk’. (the head says I had an issue with–yep.. a note in the original WP file shows I wanted to find a better word too… didn’t have one then, or now, I guess). Glad you pointed it out though. One of these days…. I’ll figure out something I like better.
As for the row80 blog posts… I hear you there. Everyone seems to have their own individual Writer’s Sweet Spot where social media and writing meet.
Agree on the slunk – I know what you mean, but ‘slink’ has different pictorial meanings more in the cunning, secretive way.
maybe go for ‘slide’ words in someway such as glide,smooth,skim
more sensuous, light, effortless – does any of that make sense?:)
‘Slid’… that could work. Though I was trying to achieve a sense of his unease at her actions, as if he suspected an ulterior motive or something sneaky…
Shan suggested ‘stalk’, and I think that works pretty well. It includes an agenda, a sense of prowess, care and yet sultry in its own way as well.
But all great suggestions. Thanks everyone!
I got to see Six Pence None the Richer a loooong time ago… She was 6 or 7 months pregnant singing Kiss Me, and I just kept wondering if it was hurting her baby’s ears in utero. 🙂 Nice snippet!
It was probably wonderful for her child. My son had a fondness for the theme from Rocky (Gonna Fly Now) when I was pregnant. It’s still one of his favorite songs eight years later.
I love Six Pence None the Richer. So envious of you and ReGi for getting to see them in concert. 🙂
Such a sweet little intimate scene!
Though now I think I’m going to have ‘Kiss Me’ stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Bah!
Ah, but it’s a sweet little ear worm, isn’t it?
Interesting you found the scene sweet. That wasn’t quite the effect I was going for.
I like the “inquiring mimes” thing. I’m picturing what Marcel Marceau would do. Mouth and eyes wide open, leaning to one side, hand cupped around one ear. (That was hard. I have to practice writing descriptions like that.)
New words is good. Don’t sweat the other stuff.
Well, then, I’m glad I was of service in helping you work on writing descriptions, John. 😀
Ah, high school silliness….
I hereby vow not to say more than either of us can comfortably live with, if you do (because you still have EVIDENCE of whence we came)….
Ahem. We’re grownups, now. Right?!
I would love to read the entire scene, and discuss it – maybe over a walk or a workout and then something tasty. Without spouses or children (beloved as they may be). Say somewhere in mid-June, when things are more settled? I can read it on June 1, maybe sooner…
But it’s you, and Atry, and ‘Listii. ‘Nuff said.
I feel as though Atyr stalked. It’s got the element of danger, and suits the image of I have better…she might even stalk while attempting to simper, if you get what I mean by that….
But, mmmm….’Listii. Thank you. ❤
A share it/discuss it day in June sounds awesome, Shan. (And don’t worry… the evidence is safe with me. If I were to show anyone how …um… creative we were in those days, I’d have to share in the hiding afterward too.)
Like I noted o Alberta when she suggested slid… I like stalked (though slid has a sense of something very fluid where stalked is rather fierce and almost brittle and abrupt). No simpering though… Atyr’s not feeling silly or insulting here. If anything all she’s thinking about is how to be beyond herself and stop thinking….anything. This is a moment where she just wants to release her mind and let out the primal side of her, so her head and heart can stop hurting. Because thinking, and feeling… even being “Atyr” hurts too much.
Thing is, ‘Listii’s overthinking things and keeps trying to draw her out.
I always feel terrible that I wait until Friday to reply to the WIPpeteers that visit me and Tuesdays (for Sunday) and Saturdays (for Wednesday) to visit ROWers. But, I think it is more important that I do visit and interact than when. So, while not “on top” of duties, I wouldn’t say you neglected. 🙂
The continued with the hawt from last week. Sadly, I cannot aid you on your quest because of the change over into summer and because I would be of little help (stereo instructions, for realzies). I hope you do find someone that can help you, though.
I think as long as you interact with people on a semi-consistent basis, it doesn’t matter when. It’s like office hours. People know you are here X day during Y hours, and that works. It’s nice to jump in immediately, but not necessary.
Thanks, Gloria. I do understand about the summer off time. If you change your mind (or just want to read for fun), let me know. Otherwise…. Enjoy your days away! 😀
Reading through some of the comments I see I’m not the only one who found the word ‘slunk’ to be bothersome. To me, it made it sound as though she was reluctant, or unsure, or unwilling. And I don’t think that’s what you were going for.
Otherwise, quite the subtly steamy snippet.
Nope, definitely not what I was going for, Kathi. So ‘slunk’ is definitely out.
Otherwise, glad you liked it. 😀
I believe the fact that some people found it sweet, this scene, is testament to how we can see what we want to see- especially when we’re in a scene like this. We hear what we want to hear, too. I found it complex. Definitely worth reading more of.
Thanks, Eli. You’re right about how we see what we want to see… readers and writers both. I think that’s why sharing these snippets is such a cool experience. I learn a lot, both about myself and my writing through the eyes of others.
Welcome, btw, to the WIPpet. Maybe you’ll join us in posting on Wednesday. Thanks for stopping in.
Thanks Eden. I think perspective of the reader makes such a huge difference. The snippet makes you want to read on. I can’t wait until I have enough of my own fiction on a page to share and get feedback.
I might just have to give the WIPpet a try. Email me and tell me more?
Well, emailed you, Eli, but not about the WIPpet. That’s an easy beast to conquer though. All it is is a smallish sample of a piece of writing you are working on (WIP = Work in Progress) that you’d like to share with cyberspace to get either exposure, opinions, be exhibitionist… and to share with a community of like-minded writers. One small caveat: the sample has to somehow relate to the date (either mathematically, or topically… you’re allowed to be as creative as you dare).
Then we all post our samples at this linky, and check in with other WIPpeteers and read their work as well.
You don’t have to share fiction either. I’ve read some of your non-fiction blogging. We’re in for all styles of writing, as long as the writer is serious about sharing something that they love writing and want to get better at.
This will inspire me to finally get some of my fiction onto the screen, Eden.
If your fiction is anything along the lines of your stories (especially your Daddy stories), you’ve nothing to fear. It’s all good and you are an excellent writer, Eli.
Eden – you’ve just inspired me to start.
I just opened page one. Thank you.
Good for you. 😀 Enjoy the process