Monthly Archives: May 2014

Late Post Observations

Sunday Is Gloomy

Sunday Is Gloomy (Photo credit: Hamed Saber)[photo added because this excellent work suited my mood too well]

 For the last two weeks I’ve forgotten to…  well, not forgotten, but rather chosen to not write a Some Thing 4 Sunday post.  The chaos and crazy at our house is settling however, and it’s time to make a post, even if I must post it late.  Time to make a post before the habit kicks in and starting myself up again gets harder.

So, while I am nowhere near to processing the wealth of information and emotional reactions I’ve accumulated on child abuse and cults these past few weeks, let me share a some of what drew me to the project in the first place.

∴ ∴ ∴

Her name is Atyr.  She’s a character in my story universe, and back in high school when we first “met”, her hurt and fire resonated deeply.  Before long her story became a catharsis, where I hid my own feelings and denied my experience  as worthy of notice or comment.    Until the triggers made it impossible to even write her story because I’d buried so much…

bright red hair_mirror

bright red hair_mirror (Photo credit: M Aze)

I didn’t worry at the time.  I had a lot of characters and a lot of stories to write after all.  And conventional wisdom in the publishing world said I shouldn’t trap myself to a single genre (or worse a single story or character).  I knew I needed to “grow” as a writer, and figured I must have grown beyond writing Atyr.

Knowing I wouldn’t have to face the feelings of shame, loss and soul-deep hurt that came when I touched Atyr’s character deeply made me almost sigh with relief.  And I quickly looked away to other possibilities.

But Atyr wouldn’t let me go.  And my other characters wouldn’t let me let her go either.  They kept revealing connections to her, stories, memories, affections and anger, confusion…  but I couldn’t connect those pieces without touching my psyche more directly.

Happy Family

Happy Family (Photo credit: iLikePhotos!)

So I tried a different tactic.  I tried flash fiction pieces, I tried not-quite-personal posts that dealt with an instance of my life, but didn’t deal with me too closely …  I wrote poetry, took pictures…  escaped into the world of performing the character I’d cast for myself.  I wasn’t a girl who’d never grown up, I wasn’t lost in the world scared to look in the mirror or draw attention to myself…  not me.  I was traveled, experienced, creative, friendly,  helpful, out-going…  I was h….a…p..P.Y.

Thing is, masks come off, and I was taking mine off with the few people I was comfortable with (my husband, my best friend…) which added stress to those relationships.  Stressed, unhappy and… afraid, I was no state to be a fair partner or friend (I still wonder how I deserve such wonderful people in my life, especially for putting up with me for so long).

Things came to a head when I let myself go for a NaNoWriMo.  I let myself go, and Atyr took over.  I plowed through 60,000 words in two weeks sitting in Panera, gesticulating, writing, spilling out feelings of abandonment, of emotional and physical pain, of confusion with outside expectations, image issues, of tears and blank stares, of self-mutilation… of invisibility and the being object of scorn and disgust.  Of never being good enough….

Ever have one of those cries that leaves you feeling so drained you doubt you could shed another tear?   A cry so exhausting that you can’t move afterward?  Tears that surround you in flood-waters washing away the world beneath your feet?

60,000 words of a character’s story opened a floodgate within myself, and I’m still trying to find some stable, dry land.

It took me almost three years to look back at that notebook, because I put so much of myself in it.  Not in words related to my experience….  and sometimes not in Atyr’s as my truth escaped onto the page.

The happy family ... "food4horse"!

The happy family … “food4horse”! (Photo credit: occhiovivo)

Since opening those pages, I’ve slowly explored the story within.  I’ve read stories by others who’ve suffered abuse, emotional and physical, to learn how they face each day after accepting what they’d lived through.  I’ve tried to understand how these things can happen in loving families with caring parents or in schools or communities or…

…how we can become the monsters we fear so easily.

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Trying to Recover (Myself)

Something ROW80-ish

Sunday

Sunday (Photo credit: _bobi + bobi)

Another missed Something 4 Sunday post this week.  Only minor excuses…  it was Mother’s Day, I spent most of it in bed sick, and …  I’m processing a pile of research I’ve done on child abuse, cults and sexual … well, almost sexual everything and how it relates to the first topics.

Beyond May being an insanely busy month at Chez Mabee, my head has felt crammed as a result of this research time.  I keep remembering things about my childhood that are direct parallels to these things, experiences that might not have been on the same scale, but are also frightfully similar…

Green Tree Frog    Litoria caerulea

Green Tree Frog Litoria caerulea (Photo credit: Stephen Barnett)

As a result, my grand plans for a Sunday check-in or even a minor blog update just flew out the window.  I’m tabling the blog redesign for summer when I can stay up late and listen to the treefrogs peep outside my office window without the “must get up early to send the Boodle to school or camp” deadline.  I mean, I do it happily enough, especially since it’s what the Boodle says he wants and it seems to be working for him, but….  it hurts my head.  On so very many levels, it hurts my head.

ROW80LogocopyUntil then, you can check out my goals list in this older post.  I’m on track for pretty much everything except the Sunday posts these past two weeks.   Short one Twitter sprint/chat for last week.  The writing has been steady; however… all of it has been escapism writing, nothing actually involving my research yet… and, it’s all been long-hand.

The long-hand thing is significant, and I’ll definitely be writing more on that later.  For my sponsor post…  yeah, I’m behind on that too.

Let’s move the ROW80 (hosted and created by Kait Nolan) to the…

WIPpet

Two paragraphs* which follow directly on last week’s post.  For now, I intend to continue with this “Unnamed Story” (you can find the earlier eight installments following this link):

He marveled for a moment at her, at her sexuality, at her ardency. Then he growled deep in his throat and, finding secure footing, wrapped his arms around her lower back and stood up, holding her pressed against him.

She surrendered her hold on his lips with a gasp. Her eyes widened. “‘Listii! What–“

* Taking out fives …  May (5), 14 is 1+4, 2014 is 2+0 and 1+4…

Maintained and promoted by K.L. Schwengel at My Random Muse, #WIPpet writers post pieces of a draft (Work In Progress) that somehow relate with the date for fun and discussion. Feel free to comment and visit other #WIPpeteers here. We love the company.

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Going Back

…to an older story, an older format.

ROW80 Check-In

ROW80LogocopyNo big checklist this week.  Before Sunday, I should have the pages off my banner updated so that my goals will be posted there instead.  They take up a lot of eyespace on the page.

I didn’t do a check-in this past Sunday.  Migraines…  It would have been a generally upbeat post had I felt good enough to make it with news of walks in the woods and lots of pictures taken before Saturday hit.  Monday was something of a “recover myself day”, and Tuesday was visits and house cleaning.  And somewhere in there, I got writing done and video games played and TV watched as well as savoring  family time.

It’s progress.  I’m happy with it.  I just need to write my sponsor post, just not now.

For now, it’s….

WIPpet Wednesday where we post a piece of our Work In Progress at this linky and offer support and constructive observations to our fellow WIPpeteers.  Jump on in and join us.  We’re a friendly group.  Thanks to Kathi at My Random Muse for hosting.

WIPpet

Since I’ve had so much trouble trying to get my head into Swan Song lately, it seemed time to surrender to the inevitable and just do something, anything, that got me back into writing regularly.  That something has ended up being a story that I’d been posting weekly to this blog over a year ago that I called the Unnamed Story (the actual working name has always been Phuque Ewe, but this is supposed to be polite company, sooo….).

To start this story as a WIPpet, I’m posting the last five paragraphs (five for the 5th month) I posted way back in April of 2013.  The whole story, to this point, is listed by installments in the above “Stories From My Worlds” link in my banner if you’d like to read the nine pieces that get us here.  Next week, I’ll continue from this point:

“Atyr…what are you doing?”

A small snort of mirth answered him. “I’m not sure.” She released him and helped push him back to sitting. “It was just something to do, I guess.”

He looked at her wryly, taking in the impish gleam in her eyes and her bright expression. There was something else lingering there too. He didn’t want to think about what it might mean.

Valistii ended up not having a chance to think about it beyond that thought. In seconds, Atyr was on her knees next to him. Then she was straddling his lap. Her hands cupped his chin upward toward her lowered face.

A reverse play of what he’d done to her in the kitchen followed.

There we go… short update. Short WIPpet. I hope you enjoy while I get back to writing. 😀