Tie On Feathers

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Yep! It’s another WIPpet Wednesday

Last night while I was planning my writing/blogging/tweeting schedule for June, I made one of those arbitrary “It’s my Blog and my Story (my characters insist on the caveat that they do not believe this is true at all) decisions.  I want to really concentrate on Courting the Swan Song for June.  I also want to indulge my fondness for my fanfictions.  The compromise?  All my writing sample blog hop posts for June (both the WIPpet and the WeWriWa) will be excerpts from the Was Long Variation.

And even though it’s not quite June yet, I thought I would start early.  This excerpt is one of the oldest pieces of the fanfiction I still have (I did spruce it up some), written somewhere around high school graduation or slightly later.  I give you 15 sentences of the Was Long Variation.

WIPpet Maths:

(5+2+7) – (0+1+5) = 8 x 2 = 16 sentences (15… one removed for “reasons”)

IMG_4479“So this is the ship you towed in, Keith.” The woman looked to the dark-haired male that had arrived with her. He nodded back; a smile warmed his features. A glimpse of mischief crossed the woman’s face, making her seem more a young girl than her own daughters. “Perhaps it would help if you tie on feathers for when she lifts off, yes?”

Jayce listened with pleasure to the woman’s soft soprano. It felt like a mother’s voice, one that reached deeply to something in him till now unknown. Yet as he stared at the elf who looked at the ship with an expression that might be either awe or shock, doubts grew in his mind (though not his heart) that this childlike woman could be his mother

Finally the she finished her review and turned to the party that patiently waited her. Their deference seemed expected, and her smile felt now less welcoming and more indulgent.

“So these are our guests.” Her voice carried though she spoke in a murmur. “May I be introduced or do you intend to just stand there and stare at me?” she chided but not without humor.

“Mom,” groaned Lyarr. The boys echoed her.

If you liked what you read, why don’t you head over to the WIPpet linky and visit some our other awesome members.  A cookies and chocolate milk toast to KLSchwengel for hosting the sprint and putting up with all our silliness. 😀

25 responses to “Tie On Feathers

  1. I’m a bit lost but likely only because it’s out of context and I don’t know the characters or exactly where they are. I like the bit about tying on feathers. And the last line, with the children groaning and admonishing their mother, that’s priceless!

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    • There was a fair bit of lead-in to get to this point, so yeah, you are missing a bunch of context. Glad you still found things to enjoy in the piece anyway. 😀

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  2. Interesting play with mother and sons there. I like how she seems too childlike to be mom, but she definitely IS mom. 🙂

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    • There’s a reason for that (I explain it in story, obviously), but Jayce doesn’t know why he feels the way he does yet. Glad you liked the way I introduced the idea, ReGi.

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  3. Love this! I don’t know the characters, but I feel like I’m right there with them.

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  4. That last par is SO true! I can see my own adolescent kids groaning. *g*

    A bit lost in the big picture sense, tho. Looking forward to that clearing up with more snippets. 🙂

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    • Sorry you are lost, Ruth. Sometimes pieces can work well out of context… clearly this is NOT one of them. You’re not the only person to comment on that lacks. Still, sounds like you found something to relate to. 😀

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  5. I’m quite lost in who is who. Sorry. I do like the description of her.

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    • I think, out of a larger context, it probably is very hard to know who is who. This is a meeting of six people departing from a ship meeting three newly arriving people, so yeah… a lot of voice. Only one main “head” here… Jayce’s. And the “she” is Atyr… not that Jayce knows this yet.

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  6. Is it weird that I *remember* this? Like, in your handwriting? Almost just like this?!

    I think it was before graduation, but maybe not like much. I think it was warm, and maybe on or near Class Day, when I read it…

    OK, it’s weird that I remember THAT!

    Anyway, I like the revisit, and I’m not at all lost. I’m resisting the urge to sing out, “I know Jayce’s secrets!”…except I’ve for sure got an unfair advantage, so I won’t.

    I think I’m going to have fun revisiting these characters and that time with you – and I still want to see the thing- because I’d remember it better if I k new what my (probably utterly unrelated and likely embarrassingly horrible) side of this story was…

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    • I’m not surprised you remember a bunch of this. This scene always felt like it needed a bit more work, but I never did figure out how. I mean, the shistriara don’t jabber so much here (though in this part they still look like horses and less chimera-like). Glad you enjoyed the trip now memory-lane. But… I’m confuzzled. What do you mean about wanting to see the thing? The piece I was planning on sending you?

      BTW, we’re hoping to be at the Y around 3-ish to 4-ish, but, since we’re heading to Chuck E. Cheese for lunch with Grandma, that could be completely up in the air too.

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      • Oh, I remember the chattering equinoids! The shistriara AND the dirpiit (which seem to have totally and inexplicably vanished from Aletris’s reality…hmmmn….).

        What I meant was that I’d love to see the original, no-doubt battered, notebook. Or any of them, really. I remember reading a couple on your bed one night, I think after Jim and I got married (or while we were home to get married, maybe), but pre-Jeremiah.

        So it’s been at least 14 years, and maybe closer to 20, since I’ve seen any of the actual old stories. It’d be fun to see any of them, because I don’t have any left…and, bad as I know they are, they gave birth to some pretty cool stuff, for both of us. ❤

        As for the Y – please tell Marcus we're sorry, but Lise isn't feeling up to it today. She's been very nocturnal, the last week or so, and didn't get to bed until after 5, and she was awake at 11, when I got up. Her hormones are chaotic, and she's sleeping now. She misses him, but she wants to be able to enjoy the visit, too…

        Hope you have a lovely swim. =)

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        • I should write a real reply to this, but doing a bit of shorthand for now. We could possibly come up to see you guys at your place (Marcus elected a B&N trip instead of swimming). Maybe next week?

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          • She might be more up to it then. Miah’s making mac n cheese for our dinner, and wants to have it together at the table, so I think that’s us time. Let’s aim for next week….

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            • “Us time” (in this case you time) is always important. We had our time too, and it was good.

              I thought I gave you Holograph a few years back. If not, I think it’s still floating around someplace. The Neverending Response Folder I pretty much salvaged what I could and recycled the papers from it. The thing had been rebound so much that I couldn’t keep the pages from just wilting…

              We’ll see what happens next week then. One of these days, I’m sure it’ll work out. Today wasn’t the best day for stuff anyway. Trying to not put too many miles on the car until Monday.

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            • I read Holograph at your house, but never borrowed it (because the kids were young, and it might have been disastrous to take it away…).

              It would just be cool to see one of those old folders with our old handwriting, odd notes, homework assignments, doodles, and the like. Wonderful and deeply personal ephermera! =)

              Hope all the car issues are squared away, now…

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  7. I too was a bit lost on what was happening because of not having context. But I liked the part where her smile changes from welcoming to indulgent. It’s another kind of juxtaposition, like her being childlike and yet a mother.

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  8. I like this line: “Their deference seemed expected, and her smile felt now less welcoming and more indulgent.” It paints a very clear scene both of her and the others. Also, side note, I have always loved the name Jayce!

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  9. I was a little lost as well, but even so it’s still a beautiful snippet.

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    • I understand, Ceelee. It was really out of context (my fault for not introducing more). Though, maybe that’s a good thing. People’s comments really helped me get a sense of how to focus things better in it. Thanks for commenting.

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  10. You really nailed that last part – I’ve heard that more than once from my sons.

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