Out of Focus

Cloisters, Bristol Cathedral (cred Marcus Mabee)

The above image came from my older post Dreams of the Dead where I was trying to explain, via images, what inspired me to become a writer and the type of person I am in general. Right now, however, its lack of focus is the primary reason I’m using it again. I know, at the time the photo was taken, I was staring about me in delight at the architecture of the Bristol Cathedral Cloister hall (the photo was taken near the Chapter House, in the darker passageway there).

Now I see the image differently, a sense of confusion and puzzlement, a need for direction…. At least the person I am now feels those things more than any sense of wonderment. I’d call it an existential crisis if I felt depressed. Truth is, though, I just feel lost and confused.

Though, supposedly that is another way some define the term….

I have to wonder if it isn’t because I am so lucky to have the time and space to spend thinking about such things. It seems like it sometimes is easier, at least emotionally, to be moving from one minor disaster to another without a chance to think about whether I’m on the right path or not. Without thinking about Long Range Plans…. or goals…. basically. Thinking sometimes is both a luxury and a curse.

And, or course, it’s a necessity to avoid those strings of minor disasters… well, to some degree.

I don’t know what comes next. I do know that I’m slowly reassessing what I really need to be doing. My goals I set for this ROW80/ROCs feel wrong wright now–too oriented toward an abstract “who I wanted to be” when I am no longer sure I can even be that person if I tried.

Have I made any progress on any of them? Yes. Though, really, I am finding myself pressing toward reading and and processing than any writing. This doesn’t seem to be the time for new things but more a time for reevaluating older things, fixing and finishing things… finding the unfollowed paths in long abandoned spaces.

It’s time to get my own house in order. I’m not sure what this means right now for the ROW80 as far as I’m concerned. I don’t feel like I’m getting much done no matter how I look at things. Yet I look at my days and I am busy most of the time… but none of what I’m doing really seems to be matter much nor does it have a direction or purpose.

Maybe this is just a bit of a funk that I need to deal with. Some post-holiday blahs…. Stay tuned for further developments, I guess.