Category Archives: self-image

Just Wasting Time

On a scale of 1-10, I’d have to say these last few days have been floating around 5.  I got most things done.  I’ve also been so very easily distract-able that most any effort I’ve made seems small in comparison to the amount of effort I’ve spent in redirecting myself to get the things done.

And…  despite what I thought on Sunday, it wasn’t squirrels.

Some of it has been good-old self-discovery and analysis.  Good things really, and part of why my pittance of accomplishment doesn’t bother me all that much (because I really fell down on my ROW80 goals since Sunday!).

Yesterday while writing my 750 words entry (ended up 2.5K WOOT!), I glanced at the accumulated art supplies around my office and wondered why I never use them; or if I do, it’s for a quick “try this”… which usually ends in disappointment because I’m an obsessive perfectionist.

Which brings me back to the title…  I have a ton of art supplies I never use, I have a ton of stories I don’t show anyone…  I say I don’t like to cook, but the truth is these things flow from a fear of waste.

Art supplies are—I was always told—expensive.  Don’t waste them.  Use scrap paper to practice on.  What’s wrong with a #2 pencil or a ballpoint pen?  You want markers?  Here’s a pack of 36 colors for a dollar.  Never mind that most don’t work…

Apologies to my writing friends who've seen these

Apologies to my writing friends who’ve seen these but this IS that one page

It took me three years before I felt comfortable enough to make my first drawing in a sketchbook I’ve got in my supply bag.  Three years…  I’ve since drawn in it twice in six months, both pictures on the same piece of paper.

I’ve sketched things on a napkin (ruined in my purse two days later) and the backs of a few pieces of junk mail (some where in the house!).  But a dedicated, special for me place to hold my art?  Not really.

Poster paints and craft paper and years of sun-damage

Poster paint, craft paper and years of sun-damage

I have a paint set I opened the box of, looked at all the pieces and then set aside when I have time to take an art class so I can learn how to use the correct brushes and such.  Then there are the stacks of unopened canvases…  Despite this excess, I only allowed myself to use 99 cent bottles of poster paint and a 59 cent set of dried water-colors on craft paper since my son was born.  It’s not that I don’t like painting.  I don’t feel qualified to do it based on my limited grade-school art experiences, and I know I’d be wasting real supplies.

A real indulgence--a (THE) Paint and Sip project I did as part of a fundraiser for my son's school

A real indulgence–a (THE) Paint and Sip project I did as part of a fundraiser for my son’s school

And given the years when I would cook something I knew was past its expiration date or badly freezer burnt because I couldn’t bear to toss it (both my parents are avid volunteers at their local food pantry; my son has asked for a food donation to give to one of our local pantries for every birthday party he’s had since he was four….  I could not throw away food).  I wouldn’t make anyone else eat it; I accepted my punishment for forgetting it in the back of the freezer or the cupboard.

I spent two weeks cooking various apple and crab apple recipes--and ended up tossing jars of work because I was the only one to eat it

I spent two weeks cooking various apple and crabbie recipes–and ended up tossing jars of work because I was the only one to eat it

For a long time, I felt I couldn’t write for the same reason.  But…  unlike painting, which I enjoy but even feels like dabbling, or cooking, which can feel fulfilling as a hobby, a creative game to play when I need to stretch myself, I needed to write stories.   If I didn’t write something, I curled up on the couch hugging my knees and muttered to myself.*

This doesn’t mean I felt my writing was good.  Only that I needed to do it.  And yes, I have noticed some improvement with the years of practice.  I’ve noticed some deterioration though too.  This is one of the reasons I’ve set myself a goal to typing in old notebooks.  I don’t know what happened, and I’d like to understand it.  But for all that crappy writing from the past, my newer stuff feels like it has lost something.

I’m trying to understand it, and a lot of other things about the person I keep becoming.  That’s one of the reasons I keep coming back to the ROW80; it gives me writing and self-study…  and so far it’s a lot cheaper than therapy.

So, my check-in for today is to add another “goal”.  Or maybe a permission…

Yes, I give myself permission to mess up something.** 

I give myself permission to ruin something.  I even give myself permission to toss things.  I accept that I cannot hold onto everything. I accept that not everything I make will be good. I will ruin things, I will make mistakes… I will make beautiful things and I will make absolute shit.

I will just do it.

*Really.  Ask some of my former roommates if you don’t believe me.

**(Yeesh… my whole body shivered as I typed those words, my fingers felt twitchy, almost numb).

Checking In

It’s another Wednesday.  It’s time for another ROW80 check-in (below for those who are in a hurry)

Wednesdays always seem to be the hardest days of the week for me.  I know people who love them and look forward to them with eagerness reserved for chocolate and steamy sex-scenes.

Maybe it’s because I don’t work the stereotypical 9-5 workday, but from my forays into that world, I don’t remember looking forward to weekends with any undue zeal then.  When I did, it was more because my then-boyfriend and I finally had time together.  When we started sharing an apartment, even that fascination shifted.

There were, of course, the uniquely weekend related activities such as hikes and festivals, and I do still look forward to those when we partake.  Lately, life has been unkind to our family free-time.  It seems like the only time life seems to make sense, the only time when I feel productive and able to think, these days is during the “business week”.

Awkward transitions

Awkward transitions

Weekends are full of changes, full of unpredictability.  I crave the pattern of weekdays…  even when I dread it and dream of something more exciting.

I love adventure.  I really do.  But it’s the shift in focus that trips me up.  Give me weeks without structure and I will find balance between productivity and fun.  Likewise, confine me in a rigid format of expectations, I will do the same.

Two days off just doesn’t work for me.

And…  neither, it seems, does it work for my son.  Which is why this Wednesday is extra hard.  We’re having a lot of school issues these days.  He wants to be in school, craves the contact with other kids…  but he’s not able to function in their limits.  And with him no longer with us daily as he was when I was homeschooling him or when I was teaching or volunteering at his school, time together on weekends takes on that precious “can’t wait for it to arrive” flavor…

Even though none of us here seem to handle the shift well.

And in the tradition of a crappy transition…  here is my:

ROW80LogocopyROW80 Check-in

Since Sunday, things have stayed pretty much the same. Probably don’t need to reiterate my goals in every post. Here’s a breakdown:

  • I found time the last two days to do some work on story structure (though not from Bell’s book).
  • No submissions or critique done yet; penciled in for tomorrow
  • I’m a half-page short of my 2 page goal a day goal
  • But so, so many new words… Those 5 sentences a day have totaled another 5K since Sunday just in story (and mini-scenes)
  • I also finished my sponsor post and sent it out this morning.

I can’t complain (who’d believe me if I did?  This is great progress!)

I’ve also finished another book in my book pile, now replaced by The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi and Screenplay by Syd Field.  And still plugging away at my Duolingo.  Stubbornness if nothing else keeps me doing that.  Still it’s something.

So…  that’s pretty much it for me.  If you want to checkout other ROWers, you can find them here.

Sunday, Rainy Sunday

We so dearly needed the rain here…  not the way California needs rain, but on a pretty drastic level for this time of the year.  The change already is beautiful.  Since last night the grass has greened up; the air feels more natural…

Now…  it’s California’s turn.


Bo Staff (Wikimedia)

It’s been a rocky couple of days, mostly emotional rocks, for me.  I know I should be “beyond stupid kid crap” by now…  I mean, I’m 45 years old!  What should I care about teenagers howling out of a car?  Thing is…  it hurt, and it knocked me for more of a loop than I thought it would…  as much because I was angry that it did still affect me.

Oh, yeah, context…  Well, Friday, I took my bo staff with me when we went to my son’s school (I teach on Fridays, and since weapons class is Saturday mornings, I like to get at least one practice in during my freetime before classes).  Normally I practice on the lawn, but I elected to use the parking lot as I was wearing sandals (love my Dr. Scholls) and a dress this week and didn’t want to stumble in the uneven grass.

Anyway…  As I was doing my kata, some kids drove by and started laughing out the windows at me, then drove back to tell me how funny-looking I was…

It still sucks to even remember it.  And…  I don’t really know why, not anymore.  I know my teacher was impressed by my staff-work yesterday in class.  I know I am surrounded by supportive family members and classmates.  And….  I doubt they could have done as well.

But it still hurts….

ROW80 Check-in

ROW80LogocopyBut enough about me and my problems…  let me tell you about me and my goals!  😀

  • Writing — a little slack…  I did my OMW, and a lot of scene-planning for tomorrow’s start of JuNoWriMo
  • Time with characters/storyworld — A bit every day…  though some of involved daydreaming and not actual writing
  • Pushups/general fitness — three full hour classes of karate and weapons work, plus yard work, some push-up training…  my back kind of hurts now.
  • Camera time daily — missed yesterday…  and the Boodle is frustrated with me because I took an extra 20 minutes to get home after karate class on Friday to grab a sunset shot…  But I need to get ready for this month’s First Friday Photo
  • French and German daily 10 minutes — daily lessons/practice sessions…  missed yesterday 😦
  • MOOCs — nada  😦

I kind of flumped yesterday.  After class I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with the world….  that’s why crap like what happened on Friday really bothers me.  Because I know it’s not just me that gets torn down by such things.  Yesterday, I flumped, and I snacked and…  basically self-comforted, trying to lift my mood, when I shouldn’t have had to.  And…  I probably undid all the good of all that exercise by plowing through a whole bag of Utz Sour Cream & Onion potato chips, undid by a serious magnitude.

Anyway, pressing on…  How about you go visit some other ROWers.  I bet they need your cheering and support too.  We’re all in this together in this Writing Life.