Category Archives: Some Thing4 Sundays

At A Loss

Right now, my head is spinning.  Not sure why, though some of it is definitely sinus pressure.

Koala sleeping on a tree top

Koala sleeping on a tree top (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The rest is from the migraine I gave myself by messing with my sleep schedule.  I stayed up late way too many nights this weekend.  Thing is…  I never feel “good” until around 3 or 4 in the afternoon, even on the best days.  I stay up late because I’m finally in a comfortable space…. and the fact that I’m usually not sleepy until 2am or later.

Never mind that I can’t sleep later than 7am most days, even on those promised days of sleeping in.

Today, being Memorial Day and a day that I’m not expected to be anywhere , I not only slept in, but took a huge nap after waking for a bit.  Bad idea, supposedly, and I’d be likely to agree given the way I feel right now.

Sleeping

Sleeping (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

I’m at a loss, however, to change things.  I’ve tried going to bed early and have laid up tossing and turning (or woken up in the middle hours not daring to get up because I’d disturb my husband).   The “noise” (mentioned in the above link) always keeps me from settling, and though the “experts” would probably disagree…  I’ve always slept better with blankets piled on me with the sun shining through an open window.  Maybe it’s a radiant heat thing, because I can’t sleep in a closed up house with a furnace on as well.  Cool air on the face and lots of blankets on the bod–that’s me!

I’d like to get Life and Sleep to work together a bit for me.  I knew most of these Physical Effects of Sleep Deprivation before I read about them because I’ve lived most of them, and frankly, they all suck.

Thing is, I’m really at a loss.  I’ve had sleep issues for nearly 40 years of my life, and I don’t even know where to start to fix things.

ROW80 Check-in

ROW80LogocopySub-par…  I’ve done almost no writing, little reading, just….  well, a lot of staring at a screen (not counting the weed pulling yesterday).  And I feel like crud…  I’m not sleeping right, thinking right, getting the things done I’d like to do….

This “stuff” has to stop.  Thing is…  I’m at a loss.

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Late Post Observations

Sunday Is Gloomy

Sunday Is Gloomy (Photo credit: Hamed Saber)[photo added because this excellent work suited my mood too well]

 For the last two weeks I’ve forgotten to…  well, not forgotten, but rather chosen to not write a Some Thing 4 Sunday post.  The chaos and crazy at our house is settling however, and it’s time to make a post, even if I must post it late.  Time to make a post before the habit kicks in and starting myself up again gets harder.

So, while I am nowhere near to processing the wealth of information and emotional reactions I’ve accumulated on child abuse and cults these past few weeks, let me share a some of what drew me to the project in the first place.

∴ ∴ ∴

Her name is Atyr.  She’s a character in my story universe, and back in high school when we first “met”, her hurt and fire resonated deeply.  Before long her story became a catharsis, where I hid my own feelings and denied my experience  as worthy of notice or comment.    Until the triggers made it impossible to even write her story because I’d buried so much…

bright red hair_mirror

bright red hair_mirror (Photo credit: M Aze)

I didn’t worry at the time.  I had a lot of characters and a lot of stories to write after all.  And conventional wisdom in the publishing world said I shouldn’t trap myself to a single genre (or worse a single story or character).  I knew I needed to “grow” as a writer, and figured I must have grown beyond writing Atyr.

Knowing I wouldn’t have to face the feelings of shame, loss and soul-deep hurt that came when I touched Atyr’s character deeply made me almost sigh with relief.  And I quickly looked away to other possibilities.

But Atyr wouldn’t let me go.  And my other characters wouldn’t let me let her go either.  They kept revealing connections to her, stories, memories, affections and anger, confusion…  but I couldn’t connect those pieces without touching my psyche more directly.

Happy Family

Happy Family (Photo credit: iLikePhotos!)

So I tried a different tactic.  I tried flash fiction pieces, I tried not-quite-personal posts that dealt with an instance of my life, but didn’t deal with me too closely …  I wrote poetry, took pictures…  escaped into the world of performing the character I’d cast for myself.  I wasn’t a girl who’d never grown up, I wasn’t lost in the world scared to look in the mirror or draw attention to myself…  not me.  I was traveled, experienced, creative, friendly,  helpful, out-going…  I was h….a…p..P.Y.

Thing is, masks come off, and I was taking mine off with the few people I was comfortable with (my husband, my best friend…) which added stress to those relationships.  Stressed, unhappy and… afraid, I was no state to be a fair partner or friend (I still wonder how I deserve such wonderful people in my life, especially for putting up with me for so long).

Things came to a head when I let myself go for a NaNoWriMo.  I let myself go, and Atyr took over.  I plowed through 60,000 words in two weeks sitting in Panera, gesticulating, writing, spilling out feelings of abandonment, of emotional and physical pain, of confusion with outside expectations, image issues, of tears and blank stares, of self-mutilation… of invisibility and the being object of scorn and disgust.  Of never being good enough….

Ever have one of those cries that leaves you feeling so drained you doubt you could shed another tear?   A cry so exhausting that you can’t move afterward?  Tears that surround you in flood-waters washing away the world beneath your feet?

60,000 words of a character’s story opened a floodgate within myself, and I’m still trying to find some stable, dry land.

It took me almost three years to look back at that notebook, because I put so much of myself in it.  Not in words related to my experience….  and sometimes not in Atyr’s as my truth escaped onto the page.

The happy family ... "food4horse"!

The happy family … “food4horse”! (Photo credit: occhiovivo)

Since opening those pages, I’ve slowly explored the story within.  I’ve read stories by others who’ve suffered abuse, emotional and physical, to learn how they face each day after accepting what they’d lived through.  I’ve tried to understand how these things can happen in loving families with caring parents or in schools or communities or…

…how we can become the monsters we fear so easily.

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In the Quiet Moments

IMG_3654crop1…some of the most earth-shattering things can happen.

That’s not to say that things have been quiet here, or very loud even.  Life has simply been good.    See –>  How can one argue with a rainbow (grabbed out the car window as we drove down the highway yesterday evening)  😀

But in the quiet moments, we find the clarity to absorb all the things that happened in more chaotic times.   We find time for reflection, for processing, for rejuvenation…

… and time for wonder.

Last night, the three of us went to the Albany Symphony to see their performance with Cirque de la Symphonie a small troupe of acrobats, gymnasts, and clowns that perform in music theatres around the world.  If you’d like to see some of what we saw last night, please watch the Cirque’s promotional video from their website.  It’s a good representation, though our local venue, the Albany Palace Theater, does not have the height of ceiling nor the depth of stage for them to have performed all the stunts.  However, the piece from Swan Lake was spot on (in the video, contortionist Elena Tsarkova, in the white leotard on the doubled stool), the juggling…  I think the only thing we missed out on was the airborne ring-work, but performer Vitalii Buza gave us some astounding Cyr wheel work to make up for that lack.  As my husband noted, to just be able to spin that long and still walk steadily afterwards is impressive, not to mention doing tricks at the same time.

And of course…  The Albany Symphony Orchestra was at its usual awesome standard.  The selection of pieces where the orchestra performed sans circus acts came off as perfect interludes to allow us to savor the prior act and contemplate what new delight awaited us.  Frankly, the evening ended way to soon, and I was so glad that Dan didn’t oppose my suggestion that we go to Applebee’s for a nibble and some discussion of the show.

Picture from Mr. Cockerll's concert last year

Picture from Mr. Cockrell’s concert last year

The only disappointing part of the evening?  How many empty seats there were in the theatre.   I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me.  I tried this year to encourage families at my son’s school to come to the Family Sunday symphonies that the ASO puts on by posting a flyer on the school bulletin board and having a copy of the flyer sent home to parents….  no one, not a single parent spoke to me about our experience or asked how to get tickets or…

Thankfully, the school’s director and I share a similar view regarding the value of field trips and exploring local artistic offerings whenever possible.Well, on May 13th , Findlay Cockrell’s  will be performing again at the Troy Saving’s Bank Music Hall to close out the Tuesdays at Noon season.  And he’s doing the original piano score of one of my favorite pieces, Moussorgsky’s Pictures at an ExhibitionYES!  The Boodle and I already looking forward to that field trip.
So, let me leave you with a “quiet moment” (before theROW80 check-in) from another favorite artist of mine, Roger Hodgson ofSupertramp:

ROW80 Check-in

ROW80LogocopyProgress, yes, but I’m still not reaching that consistency goal I set for myself at the beginning of the Round One.  I’m sabotaging myself somewhere along the way here… have to think more about it.

  • write every day; at the minimum, do 5 sentences mostly journaling and some fanfiction
  • finish a complete (rough) draft of Courting the Swan Song   ignored
  • make twice weekly blog posts (WIPpet Wednesdays and Some Thing 4 Sundays) check
  • maintain active sponsor participation  check
  • energize myself with more physical activity  feeling definitely more active…  must be Spring
  • reclaim my writing space dreamed about shelving…
  • go through some piece of my electronic home (desktop, laptop, server space, Dropbox, etc.) some progress in photo directories and writing backups
  • laugh more, hug my family more, share myself with friends more…  yes, Yes, YES!  😀
  • attend chats and sprints on Twitter (at least one of each) oh, yes!
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